


A worth of living

by YumeUshka



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Other, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeUshka/pseuds/YumeUshka
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale's thoughts about their relationship through the years, and their own existence. A kind of introspective monologue.Thanks to the amazingYvesriba, who helped me checking and editing this work!
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed.

Most of the time if I must admit it.

I didn't meant to fall, I just asked the wrong question at the wrong time. It was genuine curiosity but questioning the decisions of the all mighty seems to be like, a really bad thing. But I wasn’t wrong at all, now that I see it in perspective. Since that happened, I never wanted to come back. All that foolishness-blinded mandatory orders, thousands of innocent people murdered, and injustice committed in every corner, just for that damn orders. Without questioning, without hesitance. Just “the good ones” doing their job. Never going back.

And it is not that I have any hopes, though. Being a demon is being unforgivable. At the beginning, being a rebel, a fallen, wasn't that bad. If I’m totally honest, it was even kind of satisfying. Going here and there, rebelling myself against the holiness, against the sacred, against the one who despise me first for such a stupid reason like making an innocent question. Now, I’m the one who despise all of that. But…people down here take it all too seriously.

Resentment, cruelty, evilness…it takes it all away. I’ve seen each one of my beloved friends become nothing but rooting flesh, with wrath and rage pouring out of their eyes, and all the grace and beauty that they ever had, completely lost. At the end, it becomes the same. Blinded orders for blinded demons, without questioning, without hesitance. I don’t want that either.

So, what’s the point of my existence? I failed as an angel, and I failed as a demon. Then, for what am I supposed to be fighting for? My entire existence is an absolute failure. I don’t believe in anything anymore. It doesn’t make sense to me to keep up with all of this. I should end it, then.

That's were my thoughts when I met you. There where something called “humans”, that seems to be the latest brand creation of God, and I was ordered to tempt them to eat an apple. An apple from a tree that specifically had a warning that said, “Do not touch”. I mean, I was supposed to be evil and all, but even if I didn’t tempt them, they were going to end up eating anyway. God has a strange sense of humor, if you ask me. Whatever, I saw that as my chance for an end. To guard the Garden of Eden, an angel was sent with a flaming sword. Angels despise demons, we represent everything they are against, and angels must fight demons and kill them if they have a chance. Or so I thought.

After the first temptation, humans were banished from Eden. A little too harsh punishment, but I was banished from Heaven for little less, so it seems all normal. Then I approached you, ready to receive a thrust from your sword, one last pain that let me be free. But you barely showed any signs of contempt or hate towards me. Indeed, you seemed…worried? For the humans that were expelled for their own sin? Why should an angel worry about something that was Her divine design? Then I asked for the sword that I thought would end my life, and your answer left me astonished. You, an angel, were disobeying for doing what you think it’s right!

At that moment, I realized that you were nothing like the others. You were kind and warm, you smiled at me, and you even sheltered me under your wings when the rain started. Oh my, it felt like eons since someone was this nice towards me. I’d had been told that a demon, like I, deserve nothing but disparagement from the celestial beings. And then you came up with this, just love and purity. That caught my attention.

So then, slowly, without noticing, chasing genuine curiosity, I transform you into my reason to live. I want to know you. I want to feel you. I want to be with you. But, on the top of that, I want you to love me the same way I love you. You make me be better, you teach me, through your eyes, that beautiful eyes, to love humanity. If you are with me, I can be finally happy here on earth.

But you are an angel after all, aren’t you? An angel who are under the grace of God, an angel who has to follow “the ineffable plan”, who has to eradicate me in the first place. How someone who is so sacred can be with a despiful demon like me? Of course not, it can’t be like that. Even if I reached you, even if I helped you multiple times, even if I showed you, through my actions, that I really don’t want to be bad, you still deny me. You still don’t trust me. You still push me away. You still think the worst of me. You still don’t recognize our relation, calling me an enemy every time that I mention it.

And still, I have hope. Because you care about me, because you save me, because every time I see your beautiful blue eyes, watching me, I can say that you are containing your true feelings. Because we weren't suppose to be together, and you must always follow the rules, don’t you?

Nonetheless, is hard, so hard, to be like this. With you, it's like making a step forward and two steps back. And it can be exhausting. So I asked you for insurance, I said it was a self-defense thing, but you know me very well, maybe more than I know myself. Yes, I wanted that holy water for self-defense, ultimately, it's a reality that being with an angel is dangerous. But the idea of ending my existence did not completely abandon me since the first time I considered an option. After all, I’m still a failure, and I will always be.

Even so, I love you more than anything, so I kept taking care of you. Willing to stand a little bit of pain so that you did not have problems. And saving your precious books, of course, because I know how much that old-paper things mean to you, although I don’t completely understand why.

And, without expecting it, you finally trust me. Really trust me, for the first time. And you prove me how much you really care about me. Because you gave me the holy water, hoping that I never use it on me. Even more, you say you wanted to hang out sometime, smiling, reassuring that you want to be with me for more time.

That smile, that precious smile, is everything that I would have asked for. So, in the end, even if you will never show your true feelings, even if we will never be more than friends, I can stand it now. If you let me be by your side, appreciating you and making you happy, I will be fine. Because the simple fact of having met you, it’s enough for me to face eternity. Yet, my wish will always be there, and maybe, just maybe, someday you will love me the way I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! This is my input to the fandom. I just have watched the show like a week ago and I fell in love with the history and the deeply, emotional, and beautiful relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale. Specially Crowley, for me, is a very complex character that gave me the impression to be on be on the verge of a mental breakdown at any moment without Aziraphale. So, that was the idea behind this.  
> Also, I want to approach the perspective of Aziraphale, let me know if you'll want to read that!  
> PS: I'm not a native english speaker, so if you find any mistakes or have some tips to improve my writing, I will be so grateful if you leave your observations as well. Have a good day :)  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

I believe in right and justice, and I believe that God is right and is justice itself.

As an angel, I know I’m meant to fulfil the ineffable plan of the Almighty, because that’s the right thing to do, even if I don’t quite understand some decisions. But I couldn’t help but get worried when humans were banished from Eden. Yes, they went against the divine design and there should be consequences, but she was pregnant and outside was very dangerous (and still is). Besides, angels always do the right thing, right? With that in mind, I gave them my sword before they left, and prayed so that everything went well.

It was at that moment when I first met you. I was there, at the top of the wall that surrounds the garden, concerned about the welfare of humans, when you literally snaked your way up. I was a little surprised, of course I was. Why should a demon have approached me like that? Demons are bad, maybe you would attack me or trick me. But instead of that, you said something about…balloons? Not sure, but you were nothing like a threat. In fact, you seemed kind of concerned about the humans, but I knew I couldn’t trust you when you questioned the decisions of God. There’s nothing to question.

Our little chat relieved me and made me laugh. I must admit it, you have always made me smile, even against my will. Even so, I knew I had to be careful around you. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer, people say.

With that in mind, our encounters later became usual. And when I had the opportunity to be around you, I knew that you were different from what I know about demons, and that started something inside me.

As the time passed, that feeling grew bigger and stronger. You showed me new perspectives about the world that surround us. You were kind, nice, sweet, beautiful, unique. And above all, you cared about me, all the time. I felt…loved. And then, I started to want to be with you. I started to think that I need to save you, that if I don’t worry about you, you will disappear. Finally, I came to the realization that I don’t want to lose you.

The longer I’m with you, I’m more and more scared. Not of you, but of what will happen to you if we are together. If something happened to you, I could never forgive myself, for being weak, for having fallen for you. Because the truth is that you saved me. I would have lost myself a long time ago without you. You’re here, you have always been here, with me.

I keep saying to myself that this is wrong, that this shouldn’t be happening. You’re a demon, you’re evil, at one time or another you will betray me. All these kind gestures are fake. But I know, deep inside, that they're all lies that I desperately want to believe to have an excuse for myself, to justify me, to suppress this overwhelming feeling. It hurts to feel something that I shouldn’t be feeling.

I want to openly care about you, I want to be with you, I want to go on and scream how much I love you. But every time those thoughts invade me, the doubt also comes. What if everything is not real? What if everything vanishes away? What if I fall into the trap? The more I’m with you, the more I let you in, I feel that I’m falling lower and lower. You’re a really bad influence for me. For you, I have done unimaginable things for an angel. I could lose everything if we keep getting closer. But when I really think about it, I don’t care for what will happen to me. The only thing that terrifies me, above everything else, is losing you. Every time that I see you smiling, every time that I hear your voice, every time I look directly in your eyes, I can feel you. And that gave me the strength to keep fighting, to keep living. By your side, I can face eternity.

I will not lose you, no matter what it takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!  
> I kinda feel like I didn't connect with Azira like I did with Crowley, but still I like how this went.  
> Any constructive criticism is welcome, it helps me a lot to improve my writing.  
> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
